Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
