Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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