I am midnight drunk by noon
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
they're like a gay fantastic four
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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