Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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