Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Boobs are out for the taking
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
