While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Im part way to drunk.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
