Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
