Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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