My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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