I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
