last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
