Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
