I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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