I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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