I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
