Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
