go do what you do best...puke behind churches
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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