i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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