I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
