Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
