tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
