My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize