I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
