dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
