CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
