I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
