after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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