is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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