I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
