My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Randomize
