Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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