just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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