I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
