soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize