Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
