Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
