just tell him i said nine months
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Holy shit dude........stairs
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
