It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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