dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize