woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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