capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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