Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize