remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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