"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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