you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
