You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
