I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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