my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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