At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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