The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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