This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
