You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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