Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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