I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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