i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
