u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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