Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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