I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
