I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
