the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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