do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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