I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My Sexting was not on an AP level
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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