That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
