My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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